On a Mission: Journey to Kibera (4 of 6)

(Photos in this post were taken by myself and also some of my BFR mission team members who so sweetly posted them on Facebook so I could easily steal them. ;-) )

On Monday we went to Kibera.

One word.

In-freaking-sane.

In case you don't know anything about Kibera, here's a very short run down on this area of the city of Nairobi:

• One of the top five largest slums in the world
• Spans 1.5 square miles in the middle of the city Nairobi
• Houses roughly 1 million people (yes, in 1.5 square miles... you read that right).
• Average income is less than $1 per day
• No formal sanitation system

I've included a short Be Free video about it below. I highly encourage you to watch it. This footage was taken and put together by Roger Williams, one of the missionaries who went on the trip with us. He did a rocking job of it too. 

(You'll see BFR's co-founders Lacey & Britney. Lacey, one of my BFF's is the girl in the necklace on the left, & Britney is in the green. They shot this literally on the streets with Priscilla and a few students while the rest of us were playing with the kids in the school. The singing is from Steve, our van driver, who sang to us traditional worship songs during our daily commutes & the kids singing when we arrived. These pictures are literally of people we drove by getting to our destination. If you look quickly, you'll even see my "braids" at the end of the video.)

I've never seen a place like this before. Roads of trash. Wild dogs and chickens roaming. Children barefoot in the dirty streets... some with no clothes on. No sign what-so-ever of their parents or where they might even live. People working. People not working. People sitting, laying, and walking out in the open. It was all so overwhelming. And that was before we even got out of the car.

Our first stop in Kibera was to pick up security. We had arranged for security (i.e. armed uniformed guards rocking machine guns and machetes... the real deal.) to be with us while in the heart of Kibera. Having a large group of (namely white) missionaries and tourists in that location is not normally the safest idea without security. And let me tell you, these guards were legit. One of them sat directly in front of me in the van after we picked them up, and he scared the living daylights out of me. Like, I kind of wanted to pee myself a little bit when I saw him. I wish I had a picture to share with you all, but they would not allow us to photograph them at all. Told you... Legit.

After we picked them up, we drove into the heart of Kibera to work with students at a school there. The school we went to was called Wings of Life, and was located down a tiny alley, where to get to we had to step over trash and dodge corners of sheet metal roofs and walls. As we walked down the alley, we could hear the students singing to welcome us, before we even entered the school. It was super cool! We turned into the gates and the kids were singing and dancing, awaiting our arrival. I couldn't stop smiling, it was so warm and welcoming. (You can see a short clip their welcome songs in the video above as well).

After the song and dance, we split into groups with each class age. I went with Class 4, 5, & 6 to follow up answering questions on the "Be Well" program they had started in July when BFR was there. On one of the prior trips over there, a need was seen to educate these young kids on their bodies, puberty, hygeiene, etc. So BFR started doing that last July with the semi-older girls and boys Pehucci, Spring Valley, and Wings of Life. Since the "Be Well" lecture had technically already been given, my group was there to help answer any questions or concerns that may have arisen between July and November on the subject. And yes - they had some. I was surprised by some of the questions we got, but at the same time, not so surprised. Innocent questions like "Can you lose your virginity if you fall while riding you bike?" came up.

After questions were done, we played with them. We did everything from painting nails, to coloring, to playing "Little Sally Walker" again, just like before at Pehucci. I thoroughly believe these girls didn't care what we did, they just enjoyed being with us. And I was perfectly okay with that, because I felt the same way. :-)

We ate lunch there in an empty classroom, with a phenomenal home cooked meal by Priscilla (the head teacher) and her family. While we were eating, Priscilla stood up and talked a little bit about the school and BFR's involvement with them. Well, turns out that I didn't even the slightest clue about it... even though one of my best friends is the co-founder of Be Free. Okay, I knew BFR helped the school, but it turns Lacey's been a little bit humble in how she describes the impact they've had on these children. So I'm here to let you all know... I don't mind not being humble for her. :-) Bear with me while I not-so-effectively try to put into words what it was like hearing all of this....

Priscilla began explaining some about the daily lives of these children - the lucky ones who are able to attend school. Many of the students are the children of drunkards, users, and prostitutes. Their home lives are unimaginable to people like you and I. Unimaginable in that I wouldn't even WANT to imagine what their lives were like on a day to day basis. It goes way beyond the typical crack house in the USA or even to the lowest poverty level that our country boasts of.

By just looking at some of the kids, you could tell. On top of the secrets held behind their sad looking eyes, there were scars, bruises and even open wounds on the children that hinted at what has happened to them in their short lives. One little six year old kid even had what looked like a possible STD all over his face and mouth. Thank God, we had a couple nurses with us on our trip and the two of them did a phenomenal job administering some medical attention to some of the kids who needed help.  (They also did this while at other places we stopped at. Our nurses, Taylor and Meredith were amazing!).

The term "broken heart" is often loosely thrown around in our culture... but that day, mine truly did rip in half. Innocence in these kids is lost, yet never even understood. These children daily endure physical aches and pains that never once in my life did I even have a nightmare might happen to me. The pains of hunger on top of how physically and emotionally a right hook would feel coming from your "loving" parent.

And even more than that, my heart broke just to see how HAPPY they still were. I was unhappy just looking at them... I couldn't imagine being happy actually living their lives. But they were. Their joy, at least around us, was contagious and you could tell they lived each day to the fullest, despite their troubles. Their happiness was hidden behind their rough exteriors... until your smile brought out the hidden grins they so desperately wanted to share. They have had learned to truly depend on God every single day of their lives. And depend on Him for complete survival - to make it to the next day, to find that next meal... and not just to fill their wants and wishes for that day like I so often find myself doing. Seeing these children was the most humbling experience I have ever had in my life... and possibly ever will again.

Priscilla explained to us how Wings of Life has always tried to feed their students breakfast (which, let's be real... breakfast is only half a cup of foul smelling porridge or something similar that my own daughter... and myself... would scoff at if offered), but that was becoming harder and harder. Though, because of BFR's donations (thanks to people like YOU with your purchases of their merchandise) Wings of Life has been able to feed it's students breakfast AND lunch every school day. Most of these children ONLY eat when they are at school, and do not get another meal until they return to school the following day.

This information blew my mind.

Had BFR, or really any other donating organization who'd come in and seen a need, not decided to donate all their proceeds back, these children would not eat. Or maybe even fed sparsely. My heart broke for the second time that day when I heard that. Though at the same time, it made my heart swell because I was - no, AM - so extremely proud of Be Free and what they stand for.

Because there literally ARE starving children in Africa.

Britney and Lacey truly have been called by God to help these people, and I couldn't be prouder to have watched them grow BFR from the ground up and give EVERYTHING they earn back to these children. :-) I know Jesus smiles down on the two of them and their organization daily. I can't wait to see what BFR does in the future and what blessings God brings back to them as well!

Even though I was exhausted still from lack of sleep and my crack Kenyan tea having worn off, it wasn't hard after hearing all of that information to go back out and play and love on the children, who were anxiously waiting for us to finish eating with the "adults."  :-)  Having been on my feet running around and dancing with them all day, I finally decided to sit my pregnant butt down and relax with the kids.

Braided freak! ;-)

Once I sat, the girls immediately ripped my hat off and started petting my head. It was actually kind of funny. They were mesmerized by my hair (good or bad - I'll never know), which I guess if you think about it, they aren't really used to seeing too much "white people" hair very often. The petting soon turned into 45 minutes worth of braiding. At one point, I had 12 girls with their hands on my head, playing with my hair. Despite it making me look like a braided freak and making my hair the dirtiest it's been in a long time (thank goodness for running water and the hot shower I was able to take later at Wengeshi's!), it was fun just relaxing and letting them braid me up!

We left Wings of Life probably about 3:30 or 4:00 to head to dinner because we needed to get out of Kibera before dark. After, we went to a Java House in downtown Nairobi to eat and meet with some of BFR's Kenyan contacts. The food was amazingly "American" and wonderful! Though by the end of the emotional day, everyone was beat and ready for bed!

Our welcome dance and song....
notice the children in the background who were
not students just watching.... Very sad.

Sanitation System in Kibea

Students of Wings of Life

Some of the kids who lived next to the school, but were not enrolled.
It was so sad to see them watching the kids in school.

With Lacey - Queen Bee of BFR :-)

Driving down the streets of Kibera

Priscilla - Head Teacher at Wings of Life school & BFR Papers of Peace Coordinator.
An amazing woman!

On a Mission: Spring Valley (3 of 6)

(Photos in this post were taken by myself and also some of my BFR mission team members who so kindly placed pics on their Facebook pages for me to steal borrow! :-) )

This day started out with what else?

CHICKENS!!

Oh yes... the chickens were back in full force this AM.

Oh yeah... and so was the Kenyan Smack-In-The-Face of deliciousness (i.e. tea). Nom. Nom

I was definitely lacking in the sleep department this day because of two reasons. Numero Uno - the kiddo in my belly has me making habitual trips to the toilet to release bodily fluids, even through the night. Numero Dos - the week before leaving for Kenya, I got sick (Shhh! Don't tell my doctor I still went!) and since had a bit of a lingering cough dry heaving tuberculosis. So I was up coughing all night. Which I am sure went over well with my female roommates. (Sorry BFR friends! I tried to surpress it! Mucinex is a crock of ****!) So needless to say, the delish Kenyan crack tea was much needed. :-)

Spring Valley School and Church

Moving on, this day we went to Spring Valley for church and worship. Spring Valley is both a church and a school where BFR has been doing work for a while. When we arrived, each age group was already having its own bible study/Sunday School, we our group broke off into groups as well. I ended up staying with the youngest group until the full service began.

The whole day was absolutely amazing. I've never seen any church service quite like it. The entire atmosphere was overwhelming and hard to comprehend. These kids are so in love with Jesus and you could literally feel His presence there. I mean, literally. That's not an exaggeration. Emotionally and physically, He was in the room with all of us. Words can't even describe it. Don't get me wrong - there wasn't a dramatic gust of blowing Jesus-wind whipping through our hair where we breathed in His Spirit. It was more simple than that.

He was just... there.

Like maybe the person sitting next to you in church would be. Silent and listening.

Prayer

It was so cool how the kids - even the itty bitty ones, could recite scripture from memory. I mean, I am relatively well-versed in my New International Version, but these kids recited scripture from memory like you or I would perform mundane daily tasks, like brushing our teeth or something. Without even thinking about it. Except there was an air of excitement that came with it. They were SO EAGER about it all. Like to learn what the pastor was saying - scrambling through their notebooks writing down the details of his message. And when they prayed and sang, they did it with no inhibitions - no worrying about being off-key or if the person next to them would see what they looked like while doing it. No worrying if their hands lifted high looked funny or if their knees would hurt when they fell to them. It was just between them and the Lord. Seeing it, I wanted for me so bad.

It was in one word: phenomenal.

What also amazed me was how well behaved the children were. The entire church service time was roughly 5 hours and the kids sat so patiently. I was also astounded at how the children took care of one another. The older ones were so attentive and cared for the young ones, from holding them the entire service to serving their food (which we helped do as well). I can't imagine any group of kids in the USA ever acting like that. You could see they truly loved each other - even if they weren't siblings or related at all. It was pretty cool to watch.

After we left, we went and ate pizza at a local pizza joint (which was actually really good!) and then went to drop off Irene & Mercy back at Pehucci. They are Britney's two orphan girls that she cares for who live at Pehucci. When we left the day before, the girls came home with us and spent the night and went to church with us the next day at Spring Valley. We had to drop them back off at Pehucci so they could be accounted for at school for that week. Though the girls would be coming back with us later in the week as we went elsewhere.

While we were waiting for Britney to say her good-byes at Pehucci, two girls approached our van and handed Adam and I notes. I was so touched one of them, Lilian, felt connection enough with me from the day prior to write me a letter. It was so sweet! I planned on writing her one once we arrived home for the night.

Alright, that's it for now. Below are just a few pics to enjoy.

The church sang Adam Happy Birthday and offered him traditional birthday cake, which we ended up serving to the kids.

The inside of Spring Valley, singing songs of worship

Sweet Justine, another girl wrote me the sweetest note

We helped serve each child was served a cup of porridge after services

On a Mission: Pehucci Orphanage (2 of 6)

(Photos in this post were taken by myself and also some of my BFR mission team members, they so sweetly posted on Facebook for me to steal. ;-) )

What a great first day!

First and foremost, can I mention how absolutely amazing the tea in Kenya is?!? I tried to resist it for as long as possible this morning at breakfast, but had to try it after the rest of the team was oohing and ahhing. Being preggers, I'm supposed to stay away from caffeine as much as possible, and Kenyan tea is the mecca of energy stimulants. Well, I decided to taste it...

And that was the beginning of the end.

The end of my non-caffeine drinking and my hard fast love for the rich and milky jolt to my central nervous system. And I loved every moment of it. (Though I did TRY to limit to one cup per day... but I'm not promising that happened all the time...)

Anyway, after our breakfast (with the amazing Kenyan stimulant), we headed off in the vans to Pehucci Orphanage and school. After a short "detour" through some fields and neighborhoods, we found the school. With no formal roads or road signs in this area, it was pretty hard to find. Britney & Steve, our driver, were using trees and fences as land markers from the last time there were there.... though some of the trees had either grown or been chopped down. Not the most efficient form of navigation, if I do say so myself, but hey... you gotta do what you gotta do. :-)

Pehucci 

So when we arrived, Lacey & Britney went off to greet the head of the orphanage and the rest of us piled out of the vans. A couple of our team members had already been to Pehucci on a prior mission trip, so they jumped right out and started greeting children who slowly began approaching us after peeking their shy faces out from behind doorless doorways. The rest of us, really unsure of what was happening next, slowly came out and milled about for a little bit, saying hi to a few kids who wandered our way.

Playing games with the kids!

After a few minutes we got our bearings and headed, with tons of kids in tow (they got over their initial shyness pretty quickly) over to "the playground." After rounding a couple buildings that appeared to be falling apart, we stopped in a huge open field. I looked around searching for said "playground," but saw nothing. It turns out, their version of a "playground" was literally that. An area of space on the ground where they play. A playground. Duh. Why didn't I think of that? I guess I had been expecting a large swing set or slide at the very least, but nope. There was none of that. Just dirt. My mind sort of imploded a little at that point. My jaded American schemata for the word "playground" definitely included a play set for kids to jump, climb, and swing on. But no - these kids made do with an open area of dirt. And it was so much fun! The next few hours were filled with soccer games, jump rope, Duck Duck Goose, and the African version of 'Little Sally Walker.' (Which I have to admit, BLEW my mind they knew THAT one... I used to play that when I was a young cheerleader with my squads throughout elementary and middle school.)

It didn't take long before each of the girls were literally hanging on each of us BFR girls, wanting to take pictures, and find out our names and all about us. Each one of us mission team members, at any given time, had a swarm of girls around us. Oh, and a side note.... If at anytime you want to completely blow an African child's mind, just tell them that you are older than 20 years old. When I said I was 29, I thought one girl was going to faint from the knowledge of my old age. I think she was impressed I didn't have gray hair. #IfSheOnlyKnewIDyedMyHair :-)

I was surprised to find that almost all the kids had "American" type names such as Mary, Rose, Pauline, & Miriam. I am not sure what style of names I expected them to have, but "Mary" was definitely not one I thought be saying while over there to the kids.... maybe more like "Nala" or "Sarabi"... or some other Lion King type sounding name. I guess that just shows my ignorance though. Oh well, I never claimed to not be ignorant! There was even a little girl about 10 years old named Kristin. She was really cute because she followed me around quite a bit, calling us "nicknames." Their definition for "nickname" is different than ours. While we tend to use nicknames like a pet name, these girls called people who share the same name, "nicknames." Where I might call it "twinkies"...  or even coincidence... :-)

Speaking of names, I found a slight cultural difference in the way the people in Kenya interacted with me. Granted, there are absolutely people who do this in the states, but I find more often than not, this isn't the case. Everyone I spoke to ALWAYS mentioned my name during the interaction... even with complete strangers. For example, while I might say, "Excuse me (Miss, Sir, or no name at all), blah blah blah..." every person I spoke to would make the effort to say my name in that sentence. I had a stranger ask me my name so he could use it in his next sentence. I don't know, maybe it's not really a huge cultural difference, but it felt different to me. The conversations I had, with anyone, always felt more intimate over there. And to be honest, it helped me to listen much better than I do in normal conversations over here. I think how they were in-tune to who you were really made a difference. At least in my eyes.

They performed some traditional dances for us

Anyway, so after a while of playing on the playground, all the boys headed off for a Wellness chat (regarding hygiene and puberty, etc.), all of us girls headed off to do the same. Once that was over, a number of the girls dressed in pink robes/togas with colored sashes around their waists to perform traditional songs and dances for us. It was pretty cool if you ask me. It then turned into a dance party where they made some of us BFR'ers get up and shake our tail feathers. It was a lot of fun to see everyone signing and dancing and see the cultural differences (or LACK THEREOF with a few booty droppers - if you know what I mean) in our dance styles.

I had started out the day with both my camera and sunglasses, and somehow without my consent they were relinquished to the large group of girls. Well, by the end of the day, I literally had hundreds of pictures on my camera of fabulously posed orphan girls. You would have thought they were super models for Vogue by the way they were modeling.... and all wearing my sunglasses. It was too funny. There were so many pictures that my camera battery was completely dead by the time 2pm rolled around and my memory card was full.

Hungry Giraffe

After we left Pehucci, we piled in the vans again to head to get food, but not before Britney & Lacey surprised our group with a stop at a local Giraffe center. I was sooo pumped! We were able to pet and feed the giraffes. Unlike a horse, which I sort of expected it to be like when feeding, the giraffes were VERY dainty and gentle when eating out of our hands. Their mouths were so fuzzy and soft. Almost like a fuzzy caterpillar would feel. It was kind of bizarre. Plus, their tongues were as long as my forearm and their spit looked and felt similar to a spider web - which is actually pretty gross now that I think about it. Bleh. But it was a good time and worth waiting a bit longer for food!

We ended the night with dinner back at Wengeshi's where we also had birthday cake for Adam, who turned 31 that day. #oldman :-)

Overall, the day was great. I loved watching the already established connections with the kids between Britney, Lacey, and some of the returning BFR'ers from when they'd met in past trips. It sort of made me want that. However, at the same time, it made me miss McKenna. I thought of her often while at the orphanage. Wondering how she was doing, if she missed me, etc. I tried to push her from my mind a couple times because I felt selfish for thinking of her and Bryant while I was supposed to be playing and loving on those orphans. MK was with her family, while those kids had nobody... so I should have been able to sacrifice a day without yearning for MK. I guess that's normal though, to miss your family. It just made me feel so much more for those poor kids at Pehucci. :-(

Alright, that's it from here for now.  I could go on, but this post is already getting too long for my liking and probably your attention span!  More coming soon!

Britney & Mary Helen getting down

No idea what I was doing here

Mary giving the body awareness & hygiene chat to the older girls

Nick showing his skillz 

I thought she was going to teach me a traditional dance, but no...she busted out some
Shakira type moves and expected me to follow suit! Too funny!

On a Mission: Traveling to Kenya (1 of 6)

LtoR: Mary Helen, Cindy, Thuyvi, Mary,
Adam, Me, Roger, Jordan, Taylor, & Nick.
Not pictured: Lacey, Britney, Katie, & Meredith

So I decided to sit down and actually finally share some details on my mission trip. I was blessed that so many of you were a part of this experience through your generous prayers and giving, and I owe it to you all to share bits and pieces of that story. Plus, I did promise I would. I will try to include all the details, but so much happened - physically, emotionally, and spiritually that I know I won't be able to completely do the entire trip justice through the written word.  The trip was truly something that can only be experienced to completely understand it. Though I will try my best to share it as best I can... please bear with me. I plan on writing these in a series of posts, because there is so much to put in that you probably won't have time to read it all in one sitting and I definitely won't have time to write it all. I can't promise the writing will be good, because I get emotional even thinking about this trip. So here goes....

So I flew out of Memphis on Thursday, Nov. 15th, with a crew of nine other people, most of whom also live in Memphis. There were two other girls who flew out of North Carolina and Chicago that met us there, but for the most part we all left from Memphis.

I have to admit, there couldn't have been a better group of people to travel on a mission trip with. I really only knew a few of them prior to this trip, but after leaving... well, it sounds total cheese-ball, but I picture them as extended family. Each one means something special to me, and I am so blessed to call them my friends!

Flying from Paris to Nairobi
directly over the Swiss Alps.
Pictures didn't do them justice!

Anyway, so after the roughly 24 hours of straight traveling, where I only had to climb over poor Thuyvi (pronounced Tree-Vee) and the unlucky random dude sitting next to the pregnant chick, to go pee roughly 137 times, we finally made it through Atlanta, Paris, and then to Nairobi, Kenya. After a surprisingly smooth trip through customs, it was 12:30AM the morning of Saturday, Nov. 17th when we arrived at our Mission Home that we would be staying in. That means it was about 3:30PM at home in Memphis, TN on Friday the 16th. So we were definitely tired, but more excited than anything.

When we arrived at our mission home, Wangeshi (pronounced Whaan-gesh-ee), to whom the home belonged to, had a fabulous meal ready for us... complete with Kenyan tea afterward. (I'll talk about the tea tomorrow...) It was pretty cool.... besides the fact that it was 12:30am and I had slept maybe five hours total over the past 24 hours. After dinner, we all got ready for bed and brushed our teeth, without faucet water mind you, while sharing two bathrooms. (A couple girls maaayyy or may not have brushed our teeth and spit out the window into the rain in order to get this done in a timely fashion.... classy, I know. Don't judge. When in Kenya...). By the time we all crawled into bed, it was 2:30am.

Umm... come 6:00am the chickens and roosters RIGHT OUTSIDE OUR BEDROOM WINDOW decided it was time to wake the entire continent of Africa up.  Not cool, chickens. Not cool....

Well, it wasn't cool until I looked out the window and literally saw this opening scene from The Lion King.

It was beautiful. The rain from the night before had left some lingering clouds and I was able to see an amazing sunrise. Granted, there were a few buildings that should have been in the picture, since we were staying within the city limits, but you get the jist. Too bad I was too lazy tired to get up and take my butt to the window to get a picture.  Oops.

As I mentioned, our entire group stayed in Wangeshi's mission home. Wengeshi and her family own a  large, gated home in a suburb of Nairobi called RuiRu. There are three bedrooms and two bathrooms upstairs, and at least one or two bedrooms and a bath downstairs (that I didn't look in because Wengeshi & her family stayed in them, so I don't really know exactly). Our entire group stayed upstairs, crammed like sardines snuggled up in the three bedrooms. Six of us girls shared three beds in the largest of the rooms, with luggage strewn everywhere.

Yes. You read that right...

Six of us.

In three beds.

It was rather interesting, smelly,  cozy.

As horrible as the idea of rooming like that for over a week may sound to you all, I actually didn't find it too bad (though I could be completely alone in that statement when it comes to the other girls' opinions). I had mentally prepared myself for tight quarters and sort of looked at it like one giant sorority girl type of sleepover. It was kind of fun, staying up chatting and getting to know everyone. :-)

This is an example of a very NICE public toilet...
just to give you an idea. Luckily, we were able to
sit on the toilet at Wengeshi's. But this might 
give you an idea of the rest of our trip.

Other than being tight with so many people packed in so few rooms, the living situation was very nice. Wengeshi and her family cooked us amazing meals every morning and night, and our beds were very comfortable. The only issue there was really dealing with the bathroom situation. The bathrooms in Kenya are.... well.... different. Luckily when at Wengeshi's house, we did have actual toilets that flushed (which, I'll be honest, were a very rare site in the areas we spent more of our time). However, the showering process was interesting. The bathrooms tended to be long and skinny in nature, with the sink close to the door and then the shower head on the ceiling in the middle and then the toilet at the back. In the corner behind the toilet, there was a large drain and the floor slightly slanted down towards the drain. Which meant that you showered in the MIDDLE of the bathroom. No shower curtain. No door. No nothing for privacy. I could have literally sat on the pot, dropped a dook or two and showered at the same time.... (which might not be a bad idea for some people, come to think of it... Whoa. Sorry. Those last couple sentences probably went a tad too far. Oops. My apologies.) Anyway, the point is, when you showered, everything... and I mean everything... in the bathroom got wet. Plus, with 14 people vying for the coveted bathroom time and minimal hot water, we all tried to shower as little as possible.... (hence my "smelly" comment from earlier).

Oh yeah... and the overhead lights didn't work in the bathrooms... so at night it was pitch black. It was stellar. ;-)

Anyway, since I've rattled on probably longer than your attention spans (did I lose you at the "dropping a dook" part?), I'll go ahead and wait until the next post  to share the details of the first full day with you.  Until then... Kwaheri!

Happy Would-Be Birthday

Do y'all remember this?

Well, today marks what was my original due date for the baby that we lost last summer.

I'm not really sure why I felt the need to do a blog post about it today. Or even what I have to say about it, ya know? I guess maybe just to prove to myself and this lost baby that I haven't forgotten? I don't know...

I mean, it is what it is. Moms lose babies all the time due to miscarriage. So I don't know why I felt the need to bring it up again.

I guess I just figured miscarriage was one of those things that "would never happen to me."

But now I feel selfish for even re-hashing it again. Like, what makes my miscarriage that I lost more special than other moms? Why even bring it up again?

I probably shouldn't think like that though. Every child, both born and unborn, is special.

I knew, even then, God had a bigger plan for that child... and for our family here on Earth. Even despite how much it hurt... and sometimes still does. And I've been soooo blessed since with another baby on the way - who is seemingly healthy too. This current pregnancy has helped me get over the miscarriage - sort of like an atonement baby, I guess. But that doesn't mean I don't think about that child ever. Everyday, in fact.

Wondering what he/she would look like?

Would he/she be a good baby and sleep through the night early on or make mama get up at all hours of the night?

His/her birthstone would have been garnet.

He/she would have been a Capricorn and apparently very driven.

I guess this post is just to serve as a reminder for me? I don't know.

Well, whatever it is...Happy Would-Be Birthday Baby Fun! :-) Can't wait to see you someday!

It's a GIRL!

Just before the holidays, we found out that Baby Fun #2 is a GIRL!!  We are thrilled and McKenna couldn't be happier to have a little sister on the way! 

A friend of mine, Molly, was generous and hosted a gender revealment party at her house with a group of close friends. Below are some pictures and a video from when we opened the box! 

And no - Bryant or I had no idea what color balloons were coming out of the box before opening!

(Sorry the video is fuzzy... I don't know why it did that!) 

At the end of the video, McKenna said, "I told ya!"

Haha!

 

MK helped make the box!

She was SO pumped!

9 Weeks

12 Weeks

19 Weeks
The "TMI" photo!

19 Weeks

19 Weeks

Happy 2013!

Well, here's my obligatory New Year's post! It is a blogging obligation, isn't it? Every blog I follow does one, so here is mine! :-)

So 2012 was a great, but very hard year for me. Thinking back on it, I have to admit I learned a lot.... about why I have gray hair already myself, about how to get my husband and kid to do what I want relationships, about what a joke the Devil is God, and potty training just sort of just life in general.... (I know, it's getting deep already, huh? And I'm only into the second or third sentence. Bear with me!) I wanted to look back on 2012, and decided to bring you along with me. #ArentYouSoLucky

Here is my 2012 Inventory:

• In 2012, I gained confidence in God's and my decisions for my life.
• I lost a baby this year through miscarriage and it nearly ripped my heart in two.
• I stopped freaking out about finances all the time and placed my trust in Him to provide.
• I started seriously writing.
• I was hugely satisfied by my always continual walk with Christ, who never ceases to amaze me with His love, mercy, and glory.
• And frustrated by people that think it's ok to have friends, but not be a friend.
• I am so embarrassed that I struggle to "say yes to God" when His path for me is clearly laid out directly in front of me.
• Once again, I made an effort to give much and take little.
• Once again, I took too much and gave too little.
• The biggest physical difference between me last December and this December is my growing baby bump. I'm eight to ten pounds heavier than I was this time last year, thanks to the amazing blessing growing in my belly.
• The biggest psychological difference between me last December and this December is I'm even crazier than I was last year. This is headed downhill fast.
• I loved having freedom in my schedule to travel and be flexible with anything that came up.
• Why did I spend even two minutes thinking she had changed from when I met her five or so years ago.
• I should have spent more time keeping in touch with old friends as well as talking to my mom and dad on the phone more often.
• I regret nothing.
• I will never regret saying goodbye to something that has been a part of my life since I was very little. It sounds cheesy, but when I quit my job I didn't just leave a career path, but an activity I've known and loved all my life. I was forced to leave before I completely lost all my love and respect for it and the people involved.
• I internally struggled way too much in knowing how to comfort family and friends who have lost a dear one or are struggling to obtain someone precious.
• The most relaxing place I went was back to Colorado. Something about being out there at 12,000 feet will put you at peace.
• I did not end up getting another full time job as originally planned when I left my last job. It was a huge leap of faith in making the decision not to and to continue being a stay-at-home mom. For anybody who knows me, this is NOT what I had in mind for my life and was a hugely scary decision for my family and I.
• The best thing I did for myself was making running not just a habit, but a priority. I reaped the benefits from it as well, in not only making myself healthier, but also happier. I also consistently and quickly started getting better and that helped my confidence tremendously.
• The best thing someone did for me was encourage me to "say yes to God." Everything lined up so clearly and perfectly once I did.
• The one thing I'd like to do again, but do it better is everything!

(Fill-in-the-blank template from Mary Schmich at The Chicago Tribune found via this blog)

Gosh... filling that in was a little gut wrenching. I did and experienced some amazing things in 2012 (i.e. mission trip to Africa...which by the way, I STILL need to post about!... more time with my family...) and some not so amazing things (i.e. broke ties with so-called "family," went through a miscarriage...), and I know next year will hold even more cool and not-so-cool stuff!

A couple years ago, I started blogging about my "intentions" for the New Year. So here is what I'd like to focus on in 2013. I keeping this short, because I'm learning to take and enjoy life as it smacks me square in the face (sometimes too hard). But here are a few things I'd like to do. My so-called intentions, if you will.

• To write more articles and finish my book. Last month, I set a written goal and gave myself one year to complete the first draft, so I should be done completely by December 2013...at the very latest. I do, however, think that I can finish it much sooner than that since I already had a jump on it and I have a pretty good writing schedule in place. So we'll see! Wish me luck! As with anything I set out to do, I'll need the luck! :-)
• Run my first full marathon. I had planned on doing this on my 30th birthday in April of 2013, but the semi-accidental-but-not-really-accidental baby-making sort of got in the way of that. I'll be about 37 weeks pregnant then, and doubt I'd be able to waddle that far without plopping a kid out in the middle of the road.
• To truly listen and look to God more often and not be so nervous about His plans for me.
• To not completely lose all sanity myself after the second baby comes and get caught up in being a mother and wife. To take time for myself and not feel guilty for it.

So there you have it... that's what my 2013 will consist of.

Happy New Year friends! I pray your's is full of happiness, prosperity, and just a little bit of stupidity. (It always makes things interesting!)

A Story to Share

So, if you follow me on Twitter, you may have noticed I've tweeted recently about some writing I've been doing. I wanted to clarify some on that for you. 

So here it is....

I am writing a book.

Yep.  Keep your panties on...you read that right.

A book...

With pages...

Real pages.

Pages that you can read and flip and turn and touch and wrinkle and bend and write on and burn or whatever else you do with book pages.

Weird, right?

Now.  Let me be real with you.  I am a writer.  I have always written and loved to write.  Even in high school when I was forced to write. Yeah, Yeah... I know. I never admitted to my friends, and bitched and complained, and bitched and complained some more, but I actually enjoyed writing essays throughout my school years.

BUT... and this is a huge "but"...  I have only written blog posts, essays, and articles before.  And I can count on three... maaaybe four hands the number of times my stuff has been published.  But never a book.  I mean, this has actual chapters in it already.

So weird.

This announcement to my bloggy friends is, if nothing else, something to hold me accountable.  I am notorious for starting stories, poems, articles and just letting them disappear into hard drive oblivion.  So, that is why I am sharing this information with you.  However... first and foremost, I want to make sure we all get one thing straight - this post is NOT a toot-my-own-horn-because-I-am-writing-a-book kind of announcement, because quite frankly, the idea of finishing an entire book absolutely terrifies me. Petrifies me. For a multitude of different reasons... the time involved, the risk of how bad it might suck once finished (which, let's be real, there's a great chance of it happening), etcetera.  However, if I've told people and posted it all over the inter webs, I have to at least finish it.... right? 

You, my dear friends, have no need to worry though.  The book is not about defecating oneself or how to raise a human being or even how to successfully sign your child up for a highly prestigious preschool without sacrificing other preschool mamas.  That kind of life changing information I share for free, right here on my blog.  You are welcome.

I'm not giving anything away, but it will be a semi-fiction book (that is totally not the correct term for it - sorry!) that is based on a true story. A type of historical fiction, I guess.  A story about a couple good friends of mine and an incredible "adventure" (we'll go ahead and call it that for lack of a better word) they went through.  I heard the story in it's entirety this past January/February straight from the horse's (or one of the involved horse's) mouth and felt a really, really strong urge to write it down. Over the spring and summer month's I sort of left the story hanging, but have sense felt the crazy weird urge to finish writing it now.

So I am.

I told my friend about it about a month and a half ago (yes.... eleven months after it happened. What can I say? I'm chicken sh*t and have a hard time following through), and her excitement was so contagious, it has helped motivate me to sit down daily to type it out.

Because this story needs to be told.  And for some reason, I am the person that God has planned to write it all down.  I just pray I do it justice. My friends involved in the story deserve it to be told and told well.

So here goes...

Whether it gets published or not and sold or not....this story needs to be recorded. So wish me luck over the next year trying to get this done.