(I wrote this post yesterday but didn't post it and really hadn't planned on it at all. Though I decided to just go ahead and post today anyway. I'm physically feeling better today than yesterday... But yeah... Here it is.)Well, where to begin? It's always hard to know what to say exactly in this type of situation. I don't even know if I'll end up clicking "publish" on this blog post because quite frankly - nobody needs to know, but hell... I'll write it anyway... whatever.
So today I had my second "female" doctor's appointment within a month. After this appointment I had expected to leave and finally happily announce to the world that Bryant and I would be expecting our second child. Instead, we walked away with the news that our baby's heart was no longer beating and he or she had died most likely about two weeks ago.
Yeah, I know. Talk about a shitty blog post topic.
This is definitely not the post I was wanting to write today, or had been EXPECTING to write. We found out the day after Cinco de Mayo that we were expecting (that would be May 6th for all you non-Mexicans out there. You are welcome for that clarification. I did live in New Mexico for 10 years, so I know a thing or two about Spanglish, margaritas, & empanadas...), and we have had the worst time keeping it a secret for the past month and a half since we were so excited! Luckily, God knew it would be best for us to NOT tell anyone yet (besides family & a few close friends) because He knew it would only be that much harder later on.
While I am extremely sad, and really unsure of what to think, feel or do right now (except cry my eyes out), I am so thankful that our baby is in better Hands now than he or she ever would have been with us. God decided to take our baby for a very good reason.... even if I don't know what that is. I'll find out someday, so it's okay. The whole situation is really sad, but I know with all my heart that God only works for GOOD! It says so in Romans 8:28... And that is what brings me the most comfort. This may sound corny, but I am absolutely stoked to go to Heaven someday to meet him or her. I have no doubt in my mind (especially after reading "Heaven is For Real") that he or she is there waiting for Bryant, McKenna, and I to show up! And yes - I absolutely believe that 5 year old little boy's story about visiting Heaven. Just because he still believed in Santa doesn't mean he didn't sit in Jesus's lap and meet his own unborn sister. :-)
I know miscarriages are pretty common (something like 1 in 5 women have one, I think?), but that doesn't seem to be making it any easier. I can't help wondering if it's easier for us now than it would have been 10 weeks, 10 months, or 10 years down the road? I'd like to hope so, but either way - it's never easy to lose a child... (Romans 8:28, Romans 8:28, Romans 8:28...)
So now what, you ask? I get to sit back, relax, and wait for this miscarriage to happen over the next 24 hours. Ugh. Talk about a blasty blast.
So there you have it. Today officially sucked. And so will tomorrow, I'm sure. But besides all the wasted mascara, I'm alright. We're alright... Or at least will be. :-) I have faith.
Matthew 18:14 - "So it is not the will of my Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish."
Romans 8:18 - "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us."
Psalm 34:18-19 - "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all."
Romans 9:11 - "Though they were not yet born and had done nothing either good or bad—in order that God's purpose of election might continue, not because of works but because of him who calls—"
Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, whot have been called according to his purpose."
Thank you in advance for your thoughts, prayers, & patience as I blubbered through this post. Luckily, for all of us, you can't hear or see the tears, mascara, & and ugly cry faces I've made while typing this.
Oh yeah, and a word to the wise... if you are an expecting mother, never, EVER, EVER google the word "miscarriage" and then click "images." A very bad idea for the emotionally unstable.